one liners

One Liners

These are the best One Liners, short jokes and quick jokes the Internet has to offer, hand picked by the Laughing Stock Xtra editors. There are so many one liners we have had to split them into three pages, click next to see the other pages. If you want to send us your own one liners click here or on contact on the left.

The Super One Liner Competition
For a bit of extra fun (we really are too good to you!) we have duplicated some of the one liners. If you can tell us how many are repeated and which ones they are we may reward you with a great prize! Remember they could be on different pages. When you think you’ve found all the duplicates, drop us an email or fill in the form on the contact page, and we will get back to you to let you know if you are right.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick
Barbie is not a slut- her legs don’t open
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell*BINGO*!
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They’re both filled with stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going!
Q. What is the difference between Medium and Rare?
A. 6 inches is medium 8 inches is rare
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Inland Revenue: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.
Lord save me from your followers.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Sex on television can’t hurt you… unless you fall off.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I intend to live forever – so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy
Q. What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal
Dont piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodies
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong.”
Ban toilet cleaner- Germs have feelings too
Be nice to your children- they choose your nursing home
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a keg … coincidence?
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Q. What is the difference between “oooooohhhhh” and “aaaaaahhhhhh”?
A. About 3 inches
Reality is for people with no imagination
Rehab Is for Quitters
Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I’ve Been Doing Since 15.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
I’m out of estrogen and I’ve got a gun.
Discourage inbreeding – Ban Country Music.
They call it ‘PMS’ because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.
Ham and eggs – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Im a bomb technition, if you see me running, try to keep up.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?